Wednesday, 31 December, 2008

Pantyhose Santa


You first met him here. This Christmas Eve, Pantyhose Santa surveyed his kingdom from atop Gift Mountain.



The next morning, my brother attempted to woo Pantyhose Santa into hanging out with only him, but P.S. remained strong, declining even the baby formula and cashews with caramel. Silly boy--everyone knows there's no bribing Pantyhose Santa!

Monday, 29 December, 2008

Heartbreak Top 30


Last Time:

1. snuggling between the sheets
2. waking in the morning and stroking shoulders
3. drinking orange juice from your stripey glass
4. using my key to lock your door
5. walking home to my house the next morning
6. tucking my fingers around your arm while we stroll
7. watching you bend to fetch things from "your" cupboard at my house
8. seeing your hectic bedhead as you descend my stairs
9. admiring your copper-plated car keys
10. whispering against your cheek

First Time:

1. rebuilding in the dark days of winter
2. spending the holidays alone
3. knowing no one but me has keys to my home
4. wearing the shirt you say makes me extra-pretty, but this time no one is looking
5. not texting you "sweet dreams"
6. making that recipe alone
7. making that recipe for someone else
8. asking for help
9. being single since 1991
10. listening to the iPod you loaded for me

Never After All:

1. visit Chicago in the spring
2. meet in Sicily in July
3. hide for a month at the cabin in autumn
4. share pastries in Paris
5. put up next summer's vegetables for the long winter that follows
6. teach you to ice skate
7. let me share the driving once I earn my licence
8. braise short-ribs and watch football, and lounge in trackpants this winter
9. share that bottle of port
10. help me find the perfect kitten

Tuesday, 23 December, 2008

...and Additional After


Maple-Walnut Chocolate Shortbread...



Chocolate-Pistachio cookie topped with fresh candied ginger...



Gingerbread frosted with juniper berry glaze...

Friday, 19 December, 2008

Thursday, 18 December, 2008

Such an Angel



My mother constantly updates her Christmas ornament collection, replacing threadbare elves with plush moose who flaunt pine garlands in their antlers. She replaced inefficient lights with LED strings, and one by one, the cats devoured the tastier decorations (pine boughs, frosted twigs, tinsel), barfing them up in mounds among the stockings and gifts.

By now, most of the 1970s are gone, but a few classics survived me, my brother, the cats and the years, including a crocheted angel finger puppet with a bell stitched to her back. I used to bolt through the house, jacked on treats and anticipation, shaking her like I was trying to put out a match. I inherited the angel when I moved into my own apartment, and now she tops my houseplant like a mildly wholesome tart. She might be an angel, but look at that yarn lipstick, slapped on with a trowel!

And then there's the pantyhose Santa. Oh, pantyhose Santa.

He's built from two styrofoam balls stacked inside a length of red stocking trimmed with a fun-fur beard and a felt cap. He has fancy felt eyelashes and a jaunty felt belt with a little felt buckle. If you grasp him by the head and mid-section you can make him hula, shimmying the styrofoam balls against each other while Santa smiles a pert, red-felt smile. He has no arms, and as you make him dance, it looks like he's doing a pelvic grind with his hands clasped politely behind his back.

A stamp on the soles of his cardboard shoes reads "Made in Japan", which explains the odd aesthetic--Japanese interpretation of a secular North American holiday. It also explains the durability of this simple object; a minimalist item constructed from prominent materials of its era.

Back then, my brother and I sucked at sharing, and pantyhose Santa did nothing for our stingy generosity. Each year, we argued over whose bedroom would house the ornament. Our mom drafted a schedule, alternating years: one for Sean, one for me, one for Sean, one for me. But each December, we'd each try to put one over on the other, claiming, "No, no, last year was totally your turn!"

This year, I'll get home first on Christmas Eve, with Sean arriving the next morning. This gives me a whole day to hang out with pantyhose Santa, just me and him, and bragging rights till next year.



Wednesday, 17 December, 2008

DIY Does Dinner


DIY culture, which evolved from politically minded movements like punk, Riot Grrl and similar offshoots, saw young women (and men) learning to knit, quilt and darn, recycling goods to circumvent the pricey fashion industry. Skills once relegated to Granny territory became cool and coveted as classes, cute shops and sassy magazine columns cropped up everywhere.

Now, baking, canning, food cultivation, traditional methods of cooking, and off-grid modes of self-sustenance are the new big things. How do you make pie crust without overworking the pastry? How many pounds of shin makes a quart of veal stock? What steps are essential to avoid contaminating a batch of kefir? When is string bean season, and once it arrives, what should you do with the bushels you harvest? These are questions many of my friends can answer; a few years ago, none of us had a handle on any of these chores. Just as we picked up needles to fashion our own scarves, we now wield spoons and mandolins with a fair bit of skill.

Growing up, I ate a combination of meat-starch-vegetable meals, leftovers supplemented with potato puffs and tinned peas, and always salad. My mother began working outside the home when I was ten, and my brother and I were assigned nightly chores. She would leave notes reminding us to preheat the oven and take the chicken out to thaw, which we would often forget then have to fake it that "of course we took it out in time! It must've been extra frozen!" My favourite tasks were making Shake-n-Bake, which I considered my own private masterpiece, and monitoring the crockpot of stew, imitating my mom's technique for spearing a hunk of beef and pinching to test its tenderness.

Now, my mother watches me cook, marvelling that she has no idea where I picked up these skills. I remember watching her brine cucumbers from a neighbour's vegetable patch, and making apple sauce to last a winter of lunches, and I remind her that she taught me how to level a measuring cup, to battle lumpy gravy with a fork and determination, to improvise "buttermilk" by squeezing lemons into 2%.

The exciting part of childhood cooking was feeling like I was in charge, basking in compliments as I passed a plate. Certainly, I was showing off, but it also made me happy that I had something to share, something only I could make. Now, girlfriends and I host weekend suppers where we pick a kitchen skill one of us has and the others want to learn, and spend the evening basting in smells wafting from the stove. There is satisfaction in serving a complex meal, one that could have gone awry at any turn, and which features at least one thing my guests have never had before. My tastes have come a long way from fries and chicken fingers to cooking by season and buying shares in a local CSA farm. The way I eat is informed by a longing for something other than what is right in front of me, and an appreciation for things close to home.

I befriended Juliana when we were fourteen and living in Winnipeg, Manitoba. We judged the city unsophisticated and dreamed of moving to France, where we would meet stylish men and eat delectable things. One day we were brought down a peg by our Home Ec teacher, who assured us that was not how one pronounced "Cannes" and that Winnipeg was one of the most diverse cities we could hope to live in. While that, perhaps, overstated what the prairies had to offer two starry-eyed girls, our teacher wasn't wrong about the large immigrant community and the foods that were available as a result.

Juliana's parents emigrated from Korea in the early 1970s, settling in Winnipeg and raising two children on a combination of Korean recipes and processed foods from the supermarket. "My mom tried her best to balance what she already knew about cooking and the Western world. It wouldn't be unusual to go days just eating meatloaf, rice and kimchi. Or, rice, beef stroganoff and salad."

In a revision of our grade nine daydream, Juliana moved to San Francisco where she found herself immersed in high-end foodie culture, and where she met Bernard. After prolonged wooing via slow-cooked dinners, they married and moved to Paris, living for months with only a hotplate and mini-fridge. Juliana emailed me photographs of the pajeon she invented to meet the limitations of her tiny stove while taking advantage of the excellent local market; delicate Korean pancakes mirroring dinners her mother fixed in Manitoba. Eventually, the apartment gained a small oven, but unlike sprawling North American kitchens, cramped Paris demanded a relearning of culinary habits. "The compact oven goes with the compact fridge, which goes with our very compact apartment and our compact lives."

Much like a change in city compressed Juliana's life, a recent addition to Melissa's family shrank her day and placed new demands on her kitchen skills. I have known Melissa since we were seven. At a time when it was cool to toe the line, especially in your lunchbox, she was a vegetarian who brought peanut butter and cheddar sandwiches on whole wheat bread. We taunted her with cold cuts and poked fun when she could order nothing at McDonald's. To us, this was a pitiable state of affairs. She just shrugged and told us her sandwiches were really made of mice. Melissa got the best of us with that joke, and likewise, the best diet. Her mother's dinners were chilli or soup from scratch, wholemeal bread, salad dressing prepared in a measuring cup, not shaken ready-made from a bottle.

Raising a child on a whole, organic, vegetarian diet could be daunting, but my friend discovered that if you forget about the untidy playroom, time is better spent baking ginger cake or making pizza crust from shredded zucchini and polenta. With her husband, she maintains a small garden, puts up fruit and vegetables, and makes most meals from whole ingredients. She was a few steps ahead of our generation, never knowing processed food as a staple and therefore never having to unlearn certain habits. Even still, she initially left behind her mother's recipes when vegetarian convenience food hit the market, and was recently humbled when her mother reminded her that this "great cookbook" Melissa recommended was in fact one the family had relied on since 1975, and which Melissa had once dismissed as too old-fashioned.

Consulting a cookbook has, itself, become somewhat old-fashioned. Recipe swapping has found a good home on the Internet, replacing the sharing that homemakers once did over morning coffee or after potlucks. Jeanette Ordas had humble beginnings as "mama's little helper", taking on bigger kitchen tasks after her mother returned to work. She remembers picking up basic recipes, and never framed cooking as a chore. Now in her thirties, Jeanette broadcasts her culinary experiments via her blog, Everybody Likes Sandwiches. "I have become more adventuresome with my cooking since I discovered food blogging. Sites and blogs demystify the process and make everything seem doable. Also, it's easier to type a couple items from your cupboard into Google than looking through cookbooks to find a recipe. Being online has made everything easier and has made everything possible." Readers post comments and links, while feedback and discussion mimics passing a dish down the table at a communal meal. Food blogs are like fusing a test kitchen to your dining room.

The more virtual our world becomes, it feels important that hands remain involved in making our food. Doug DiPasquale is an accomplished chef and holistic nutritionist. We met first at a high school party, and reunited years later over an incredible New Year's Eve dinner he prepared for mutual friends. Now located in Malibu, California, Doug writes an online column, The Healthy Foodie, exploring the intersection between good eating and good health, and points out that the two are inseparable: "The slow food movement is a return to holistic cooking methods that have all but disappeared. Aside from eating something prepared by human hands instead of a machine, the food is measurably healthier. And the techniques that go along with this kept our ancestors in good health, as well as being social activities."

Of the dozen friends seated around that New Year's table, three of us have become nutritionists. Doug and I studied an holistic programme, while Amber followed an officially scientific path, earning a degree as a registered dietician. Whereas our holistic education included hands-on experience milling flour and baking at temperatures low enough to avoid rupturing delicate plant cells, Amber feels disillusioned by the disconnect between food, eating and wellness that predominates her studies. Her efforts to organise a field trip to a local farm were confounded by classmates' apathy, and communal cooking events also tanked due to disinterest. This absence of excitement about farming and cooking (amongst a group of diet-related health professionals) is surprising, and disappointing.

In contrast, before taking over the family business, Mario Pingue gained hands-on experience from artisanal producers in Italy, then returned to Ontario, determined to apply these standards to his own cured meats at Niagara Food Specialties. "Growing up in a farm community, trust was automatic. Why would we go elsewhere for our food when farmers were growing it right in their backyards?" This trust is brought forward in how Niagara Food Specialties operates--they purchase only animals raised without antibiotics or hormones, fed non-GMO food, and which are humanely slaughtered. Together with his brother, Fernando, Mario produces enough cured meat to supply local chefs, specialty shops and his family's table.

He tells me about his cousins in Italy who hold white-collar jobs but are equally proficient in working the land. In our generation, it seems we're experiencing a collective rediscovery of skills that simply went to sleep for awhile. I ask Mario, who began under his father's direction, if he will pass his skills along to his sons. He assures me that while the boys will be encouraged, and are aware of their food's origins, it will be their choice whether to continue the trade, and he won't be surprised if they think it's dull and chore-like, at least while they're young.

Are these kitchen skills and passion for the old-fashioned a sign that we're moving away from industrial processing, which has had a strangle-hold on our dinner tables for decades, and toward being able to feed ourselves from scratch? Or, is this another "fad diet", merely trendy and short-lived? Probably, the answer lies somewhere in between. There will always be a cycle of learning and relearning, coming to appreciate what traditions represent and the role we each play in maintaining a diverse and delicious food supply. And, once you master a simple pot pie, it seems unlikely you'll decide, "Forget this, I think I'll just switch back to the frozen stuff!"

**My mother would like everyone to know that she did not try to kill her children with potato puffs and tinned peas. It was the 1970s--everyone was doing it!**

Tuesday, 16 December, 2008

Unicorns in Full Effect


I haven't seen daylight in weeks. It is dark when I leave for the office each morning; the sun has set by the time I board the streetcar for home. Not because I work dreadful overtime--because this is Ontario, and in Ontario, the winter is grey, grey, grey, and dark, dark, dark. And, the shortest day has yet to pass.

Part of me dreams of living in Sweden, Iceland or some other northerly remote. A place where darkness becomes a way of winter life, rather than a sky that descends and lifts a little too early and a little too late, without real drama or extreme. I wonder if sunset at 2 p.m. would make the season seem mysterious; the long, bright summers repaying citizens for surviving all that blackness.

But another part of me just builds my Ontario habits into an anecdote, a story that makes my dwindling public appearances seem cute and twee. Once my apartment swallows me in the evening, that is that--no changing into eveningwear and heading back out on the town. No meeting for drinks blocks and blocks away, hailing a frosty taxi at the end of the night.

Once I am home, I am home till morning. Spotting me out on a winter weeknight is like glimpsing a unicorn as she sips from a forest brook. Would you believe there are two unicorns in my neck of the woods? Rachel, living right around the corner, becomes as rare as I do--even more special than seeing one of us are those rare, rare evenings when we travel in a herd of two.


Holy Crap! It's a Carnival!




2008 sounded like this:

"weeeeeeeee....oohhhhhhhhh....weeeeeeee....ohhhhhhhhh....
weeeeeeee....ooohhhhhhhhhhhh....ohmygosh....weeeeeeeeeeee....
ohhhhhhh...."

It remains unclear whether I will hop off the rollercoaster in three more weeks, and barf up corndogs, candy apples, three rootbeers, a cone of chips and vinegar, and a waffle-icecream sandwich into the nearest trashcan....

....or, if I will get in line, hand a strip of tickets to the carnie and shout, "AGAIN!"


November Bouquet


When the white flowers wilted, they were replaced by fresh pink ones.


All weekend my apartment was chilly, too frosty for such dainty petals. Not to mention, too frosty for me.

I pulled on a turtleneck, but had no sweater tiny enough to warm their stems, no scarf slender enough to muffle their cold leaves.

And so, the white flowers' successors drooped into a skirt. They shimmy in a hula, lone white blossom swaying in the middle.

Nearly as tragic as the sharp-tongued rose in The Little Prince, with a single thorn to defend herself against the world and who nestled beneath a bell jar as her side of the planet grew dark.

Monday, 8 December, 2008

Tequila!


We used to play this game. It was a really horrid game--the drinking-game incarnation of the Longfellow rhyme about the little girl who had a little curl, right in the middle of her forehead. When she was good, she was very, very good, but when she was bad, she was horrid!

First, you take a shot of tequila (remember, these were the days before Canada discovered "sipping" tequila, aka the stuff that costs too much to swill, and makes you too sleepy to stay up all night playing games like this one).

Second, lie on your back on the floor with your arms folded across your chest.

Third, a "friend" thumps on your chest while you try to recite a short nursery rhyme. Just see if you can get through a verse without starting to giggle, which in turns stops the air from going in and out normally, which triggers a chain reaction of spastic laughter and trying to calm down and more spazzy laughing and less calming down.

And so on.

Horrid!

Look into My Eyes...

On TV, when someone wants to hypnotise you, they urge you to stare into their eyes...deeply, deeply...they inform you that you are getting sleepy...very, very sleeeepy...now your eyes are heavy...

It's a little-known fact that one can achieve the same results with a convenient home kit assembled from simple items found in the kitchen. For instance, stare at this peeled squash:



Keep staring into its orange flesh...deeply, deeply...it hardly looks like a squash anymore...a dab of squash juice beaded on the surface...some shadows and dark bits where the peeling job was a bit shoddy...this squash, it's a shadow of its former self, barely recognisable...

You are getting sleepy...the squash is growing blurry...



...no, that's not an empty bourbon bottle in the background, nor are those empty wine bottles lined up along the sill. Come on, man, focus! The squash, the squash!

Tuesday, 2 December, 2008

The Tree Outside Kate's Window


We longed to climb out the window and down the tree, dangling so our shirts hiked up and exposed our navels, then dropping the last few feet to the ground. We would first toss down our shoes and make the descent barefoot, sitting on the curb to fasten our buckles before tiptoeing away from the house.

But, we never did. Instead, we walked out the front door and into the night.


Kate's parents were Baha'i, and they let us do
anything. I didn't understand this was lax parenting and not linked with their faith. Kate said Baha'i children were encouraged to think independently. At her house, this meant making your own decisions regarding diet, bedtime, wardrobe, and hygiene. No one fought about unwanted baths, combing out their bedhead, having chocolate and carrots for lunch, or staying awake till sunrise.

My home was hardly boot camp, but as Kate and I lounged on cushions, drinking coffee with all the lights carelessly switched on, shoes scuffing the upholstery, Nico warbling from the record player long after midnight, her situation seemed like a teenage dream.


She bunked in the attic, a bohemian paradise accessible only by ladder. Scarves and stinky velour curtains cut the space into glamourous dens. This style was old before we were born, but Kate pulled it off without seeming like a poseur. One rule, despite her parents' boundless trust: No candles after 8 p.m.


Sleepovers were a ticket to parties my parents declared off limits, and Kate's father never clocked our slutty outfits, boozy breath, and groggy mornings. There must have been subtle boundaries even for Baha'i kids, because Kate did all the talking and her stories never quite mapped onto our real plans, nor did she disclose the age of the boys we met, or the menu of "snacks" we enjoyed. And one Sunday, her mother flatly turned me in when mine called fishing for information about the night before.


I was astonished when Kate was permitted to cut the rest of grade twelve to see America with a vanload of hippies, five dollars in her pocket and a borrowed guitar over her shoulder. When she returned in June, chubbier and with three rings through her left nostril, she spoke in a throaty drawl that made me wonder what had happened on the road to drop her voice an octave.

Soon after this, we each moved away, but caught wind of our evolving histories from mutual friends who remained close. Reuniting in Vancouver, we almost formed a band together, but fought over who would play triangle. And then, Kate dipped below the surface and was gone.


A bit of research confirmed that Baha'i had nothing to do with Kate's wonky upbringing, but only after she reappeared as an uneducated, social assistance-collecting, single mother of three did I stop envying the life she had seemed to live behind those scarves and curtains.

She remains a romantic figure, a woman who ebbed from a busty classmate into a smoky stranger. But, now she lugs a bit of tragedy. It pulls at her cheeks and weighs down her smile.



Monday, 1 December, 2008

Little Fatty


Hi! My name's Chubby.

My mom's chubby. My dad's chubby. Even my dog is chubby.

One day, my mom said to me, "Chubby, why don't you ever smile?"

And I said, "I can smile, mommy! See?"

Making sense of today by frosting it or folding it neatly and putting it away